the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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