OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
