Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
