so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
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