Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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