Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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