yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
