just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
