im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
