I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
