Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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