the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
