Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
