he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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