I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
