She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
