Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
