i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
