Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When did angry sex become our thing?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
