I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
