They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
