my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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