The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
