sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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