Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
