The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
