this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
