I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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