Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
