he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
