I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
