On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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