Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
