By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
