conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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