I think I won the penis lottery.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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