It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
