Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
