I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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