i think my tv is drunk
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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