there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
