I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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