My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
