if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Randomize
