I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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