I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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