I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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