well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
