i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
