Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
