We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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