every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
