I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
