i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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