tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
