I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
